Striving to be Perfect May 06, 2025

As a small child, I often heard my mother say, “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” She likely said this when she began teaching me how to do chores around the house. At the time, I didn’t realize she was laying out a map for me—one she initially guided and that I would eventually follow on my own.

As I sit here now, I feel tension in the muscles of my neck. I focused on that area and asked myself, What is this about? A quiet voice within answered: “Striving to be perfect.” I thought I had moved past that. But the body remembers.

I first became aware of this internal drive—to do things perfectly—when I was introduced to the Enneagram. It’s believed to have originated with the Sufis and/or the Desert Fathers, and it outlines nine distinct personality types. I didn’t need to go beyond Type One to recognize myself. Unsurprisingly, Ones strive for perfection, always wanting to “do it right.” The Enneagram teaches that balance comes from integrating traits of your opposite type on the wheel. For me, that’s a Seven—someone who loves fun and spontaneity.

So I went to a Type Seven and asked, “How do I know when to stop working, even when I’ve gone far past the point of being productive?” Her response was simple: “When it stops being fun.” That phrase became my internal gauge. Over time, I began to hear myself say, “This isn’t fun anymore,” and I would stop and call it a day.

Richard Rohr, in his book Eager to Love, writes: “The greatest enemy of ordinary daily goodness and joy is not imperfection, but the demand for some supposed perfection.” (p. 73) He invites us to meditate on that.

The desire to "do it right" is often a human attempt to bring order out of chaos. Rohr suggests we can never do it alone. It is only in surrendering—emptying ourselves and placing everything into God’s hands—that we find peace and the assurance that things will work out. In Jesus’ case, in the Garden of Gethsemane, that surrender meant facing the possibility of death. And yet, even in the midst of absurdity and tragedy, he found peace. Rooted in that peace, he walked the way of the cross.

We are still in the Easter season, but we could not have Easter morning without Good Friday. And Good Friday would not have happened without surrendering control in Gethsemane. We don't need to be martyrs, but I believe that anyone who gives of themselves in any meaningful way eventually reaches their own Gethsemane. Sometimes, it's as simple as letting go of the need to always get it right.

It may mean recognizing how perfectionism can paralyze our ability to act on Gospel values. We ask ourselves: What will people think of me? Will we lose donors because someone believes we should be quietly praying at home instead of marching for the rights of the poor, the underserved, the sick, the hungry, the homeless, the elderly, the young—anyone who needs a little or a lot of help?

We are reminded that “life is fleeting”. So with the time we have, especially for those of us in the later chapters of life, we need to visit Gethsemane regularly and give over the need to doing it right. We need to be reminded to think with our hearts and seek peace once we lay down our fears at the feet of the cross.

Sister Mary Eileen Boyle